Animal Behavior

Lizards..

creepy crawly.. slimy..

yeah.. snakes and crocs are also the same but i like them.. i dont like lizards...

but what caught my attention was the way they move.. in a very funny yet somewhere very disgusting way...

there were two such lizards on the ceiling.. sometimes they would come to the wall.. but whatever, they chased n chased n chased!!

one was female.. the tail was thick at the base and weirdly thin and tapering at the end.. and the male one had just the opposite kinda tail.. no differnce near the base n broad at its end

but what i saw was basically.. animal rape

:|

man chases woman.. woman runs runs runs.. man wants to fuck woman.. woman says no no no!!

man says yes yes yes!!

woman NOOOO

man come to me baby!!!

woman ugh!! no!! save me!!

man pounces n lies on woman...

their tails interlock woman chnages colour and

BAM!!!!

WHAM!!!

GHARAM!!!!!!

whats done.. is done

:|

it was weird.. but kinda..

...

uh...

INTRIGUING!!

:|

and yes, i AM a maniac.. *sheepish laugh*

The Liquid Inside.......

Darkness.

Shadows.

I like them.
I like them because they constantly remind of of the darkness around you- in your world, in your souls and mostly in the souls around you.
Your shadows linger on to remind you of who you are, what you have done and how you will never be able to undo it. Even for that desirable fragment of a moment. You cannot unsay it once you do say it, you cannot forget once you witness and you cannot run once you have reached.
And the more mistakes you make, somehow your shadows become darker until you stand in blinding darkness to which your eyes will never be able to adjust.

Irony is, that as a kid i hated loneliness. It scared me.

"What kind of a kid thinks about all this?"

The kind similar to mine. The kind that criticizes itself too much and therefore was always too scared or too shy to take a step.
A kid who was scared to apologize because she did not want it to look like a sympathy call. (which by the way, I am scared of even to till this date)

And I can feel it all coming back to me, slowly and in a very soothing and familiar way.

It feels like I am home.

Wandering Back... Wondering WHY no BANG????

They say 'back with a bang'.. i am back.. back to my blog... not sure why... perhaps cas i m reading it after so many n realizing how much i actually adore it.. n how i can continue with it WITHOUT letting go of all my emotions... or perhaps i realize.. i better kept this posted....

But.. WHERE is the bang??? Thats the bang dudes n dudettes [my NEW favorite phrase.. Nirvana.. ur out cas its no more 'smells like teen spirit' to me..]... the bang is that there is NO bang at all!!

Back to my blog... reasons there are.. yes i missed it.. i like to get addicted.. i dunno y.. though it hampers me and grabs all my attention.. but being into something.. being addicted to something has always intrigued me... as if its a test for me to me.. to prove to myself how much into something i can be.. how much stable i can be.....

And even if i didn't miss it.. i just couldn't let those beautiful pictures go waste.. i mean the ones i surfed.. because i wanted a blog. .a blog with pictures.. pictures to relate to and give my words a better meaning... it would seriously just hurt me to let them just be in my computer... sitting in a folder...

And perhaps people missed my blog.. but that is not my concern right now... i don't mind if people don't read my blog.. i just want to look at it n go 'ahhh.. this seems so perfect.. arranged.. n quiet'.... like the thing i want

A lot of new things did cross my mind....

I wanted to upload only those pictures that are hand-taken... but i was too lazy to do it...

then wondering if i have a blog.. should i just bore people my telling them about me.. or should i just talk of what i feel.. on certain topics of common discussion.. (cas honestly i have seen.. only the person who goes on writing about oneself is interested in the posts.. no one else)

Wondering.. wondering is a nice thing though... let us all sit and wonder... why do we make statements that we know we won't fulfill and yet come back (or just stay) and talk of how we value our self-respect when we lose it everytime we cannot do what we 'promise' to do...

Wandering while Wondering.........

Drugged.

Drugged without drugs. Living like a drug addict without being addicted to drugs or knowing how it feels like to be addicted or even the taste of drugs. Do drugs have any taste? I often wonder. Or are they are tasteless and smoky and bitter yet good as cigarettes?
Well, that is not my concern right now. My concern is I am drugged without drugs. I am living like a drug addict. On my own. Computer, no bathing, no eating, hardly sleeping, reading, listening to music, surfing pictures, taking pictures, going short tempered, looking and seeking peace.
I want to be free. I want the freedom. I am dying to gain it. But, but, i am too lazy to go for it. Not lazy. this is not laziness. This is existing and not living. I exist cas i do not live. I do not live cas i can not live. I can not lice cas.. Am I tired of living? Is anyone?

Yes. They are and then they exist. But why is one tired of living? I have everything. Good parents. Entertainment. Friends. Well, there are somethings that money can not buy....
Well then why do we value money so much??? Without money life is hell. With money life is hell as well. Then? What do we do? For the nirvana (my recent favourite and most overused word) we all seek but hardly a few get.
Nothing. We live a drugged life. And if we are lucky we come out un-drugged and if not.. well, simple to say, we get into the real addiction.
I didn't eat, have a bath or get off the chair since i woke up. Rebellious child. Yes. I am. I admit. But is every child a rebel only because they want it their way? No. Children can turn rebellious for other reasons. I speak like an adult you say? Well, i can speak so "matured" only because I am a child. Had i been an adult I wouldn't have understood this. Children rebel when they don't get what they deserve. But children have an ego more than their parents' age combined. Perhaps because they lack the maturity to let their ego down. How would you feel when you are promised something. You work for it. But you don't get it. And when you demand it, well then, you have to understand that you have got a lot and this while you have to compromise and understand that everything is not possible for everyone.
I understand. That is why live a drug addict. Because when you are asked to be something beyond your limits this is what happens. This while i was asked to be patient. And i crossed my limits but I didn't express. And like everything it had its side effects and today i am thus.
Well I am thus because I am a disobedient, rebellious kid. A menace. Well, do they NOT realize I am a menace only because they let me be one. While i was menacing around why did they not stop me? then they thought it was cute for a kid. But now it is insulting. They want to understand or have they given up I don't know. All i know is that I want them to understand because... I really really hate things rite now.

Smoked Time...

Don't wake me up when i am having a good dream... don't wake me up also when i am having a bad one also...
Why? Am I so emo that I have fallen in love with pain?
No. Just because you are emo doesn't mean you have to adore pain!
Dreams.. well uh.. they are supposed to represent someone's subconscious mind... if that fact is true.. then, it never occurred to me.. but then.. dreams lie in nocturnity...
Things that you never thought disturbed you.. but things that do...
I was sleeping but not a deep one.. not a continuous one also... mid way through my sleep I was.... tumbling and sweating and shouting and screaming and clenching my teeth.. clutching the bed sheet and the cloth over my body... This drama is not limited to films as i realize..
What did i dream about? Smoke. My had smoke with thoughts... it gave me a headache... deja vu.. futuristic vision type.. just that i saw no future... or did i??

A class.. with unknowns.. and a few from b section... the section i hated from my heart since the day i can remember... 'A' section was the section that was changed... broken... sad. No. Not sad. Heart-breaking.


I would have to start my journey again. Again as a lonely kid. Make my way through and then make friends. There will be a difference this time. I'll have to fake. I need those folks to survive but i don't like those folks... But yet if i am around, i am around with my "friends"...
This is what my subconscious mind showed me... my fear... my belief to be parted before time...
And why was i like this?? Only because of my fucked up results...
Its not that i did bad the class teacher told me.. Its just that the others did well!

Gosh! Will I even be consoling myself via different characters even in my dreams?? A place where reality comes out? I dreamt of something that is in the hands of none and yet i demand myself reason!!! Now that's frustrating!!! But helpless...
Smoky dreams that gave me a headache.. that earned me a lecture from my oh-so-nice mom..
What if the dream turns out to be true?? Imaginative I know... but not impossible also.
AND yes. I am scared. Time ticks away. And all you are left with is Smoke.

Two Authors... ONE book....

Complication... something no one wants in life... but something that has to poke its nose in..... But as ppl r different.... complication also varies.. n also comes differently to them.... "some" may also like it.... n those "some" may also walk themselves into it... sometimes knowingly.. perhaps cas they want to show they r "stronger".. perhaps cas their appetite to know the truth is more than their appetite to uncomplicate....
I wouldn't say i walked into it... to solve disputes.... i am not that angelic.... i'd say i walked into it without knwong i would wlk so deep into it... n when i began walkin into it.. i didn't stop myself either.... n now that i am into it.... i don't even feel it... though i have a pretty fair idea of the result...
It was long and preachy book..... the rest of the readers however liked it.. it brought spice into their life... the new reader(s) gave it their take and tried to advise the author(s).... the authors took it... so basically.. the older readers that a new taste to the story... the touch of two new authors of the same wavelengths... being represented by the initial authors....
Then came the chapter "Betrayal".... and retired one of the two new readers.... giving up.. it was too much for her.... the second.... was already tired.... long stories had always been a bore for her... The old readers were disappointed.... the old wound had been ripped fresh... and it was too early for it to start healing.... They needed the blood flowing and not drying.... they chose the author with a bigger wound... the wound of "back-stabbing" as she may fancy.... they hit her there.... and put in salt saying it was medicine.... the salt did its work.... this time it was three arrow from one bow.... One.. for the wound got deeper... Two... for the growing likeness turned into competition...though the weirdest from... none understood it to be competition... they thought it was hatred.... but it was competition nonetheless for me.. a competition for being the better... not in the same field though.... and Third...... the ultimate spice and slow heal of the wound....
The victim hated the author and the new reader.... they were so.... so... victorious... she seemed helpless.... she was disappointed with herself... she wanted to kick back....hard... now that things were personal and not professional... she couldn't afford to keep it professional either.... she forgot her new reader... she became the dominating author... she asked her new reader the previous day a little about herself and gaining the confidence that she expected from this reader (and can always cas she will get it) she took the pen and brought her twist to the story...
The readers came back... getting more than expected... but the fellow author and the new readers got what they never expected...... the new reader on the victimized author's side thought that the book had closed.... but no... the book was going through Nocturnity........ at its level best.... and it opened only to close again.....
Long stories never work well.. unless you are a part of it.. and once you become part of it.. they get all the more complicated ...... the new reader was bored..... things were going too preachy and mushy... come on!!! wake up!! its a four year old book now.... bring it to an end. how many more series???!!! .... let your older readers be no more hypocrites... and let your fresh new readers enjoy the better part of your literary works....
What to do?? It falls your duty to support... but how do you support when the author is very egoistic and will not accept anything??? And when another author is as egoistic... but accepts and admits... but just never says.... WHICH is more or less make sit the same thing.... DEAD END is what you name it....
What one does... is talk... Talking had always been and will always be on of the biggest boons to this world... have a look at things from another pair of shoes... the shoes may initially feel uncomfortable and not right for you.. but the more you walk in it... the more comfortable it gets.. doesn't it now??? Knowing things from different places tells you the way to end it.... the solution to the dispute.... but this one had no solution.....
You really believed that didn't you??? Even this one had its solution.... in Nocturnity.... Its solution was "The Last Chapter".. an ending chapter.... THE ending chapter....
It ends pretty simple if you look at it simple.. for one new reader it ends pretty well and that's how it should.... for the entire lot of the old readers.. it ended BAD!!..... the book ends with the quote "Ignorance is Bliss"... ignore it.. u forget it.... even if u don't forget it.. leave it... it gets rusted... it gets rusted... it fades..... not because it really gets rusted... but because another piece of metal.. better.. smoother..shinier.. and with better longevity replaces it.... and EVENTUALLY u forget...
Enough reading for the eyes.... how did the old readers continue help weaving the story for the authors so long??? The new reader thought it was so useless to continue and give the story importance when it wasn't at all needed.... the end had come . some the other new reader who had given up... hoped but never thought would happen... all hoped i guess.. it was a mortal story.. like every other thing in the world is... then why give it so much material... that too of the same kind?? if u had to give ti material... why not of the different kind???
And when things slip and the fellow author does something "attention-seeking".... why do u give her what she whats??? in that way her efforts will diminish and the EVENTUAL end will automatically and EVENTUALLY arrive....

Blessed be the first author... only when you write something to do realize you are not only penning down ur emotions but also giving out a message.. HOW the authors-turned-readers will take it is.. is not something u can control and neither should u try to... and if things come out bad.. well.. even this book will have the last lines as "Ignorance is Bliss" ..............

Nocturnity..

Wondering WHY nocturnity?... well only because.. nocturnal are those beings who roam at night... n night is that time when the world can hear its whispers..... n i am that being who stays up at this time to hear n be a part of those very whispers....
Night... what is night to me? I mean, what CAN night be to anyone? Well... night is darkness... a totally revealingly concealed treasure... everything is in front of you.. before your own eyes.. yet u cant see it.. simply because it is hidden.... You ought to get the perspective of my life now.. it IS to find that thing that most don't even know exist.. that most think is an illusion.... most who think that this world is not an illusion...
Well of course it is.... I of course didn't believe it initially but i do... it is an illusion because all that we do n experience is directly or indirectly on what we think... n what we think is not in the least always true... an anything thought that is untrue is an illusion.... so the world exists on an illusion....
Well, my blog thingy is all about my quest for Nocturnity... the revealingly concealed part.... that exists.. somewhere or the other...